life, the universe, and ineffability

[godream]

Okay, so an informal poll has concluded that nobody actually gets what terms such as "date" mean. And both girls and guys are always complaining about how completely bewildering the opposite sex is. So here's the solution.

Back in Victorian times, ladies would carry fans which (besides, y'know, being an inadequate but better-than-nothing substitute for air conditioning if you are wearing a corset and a dress the size of a small city) served as a sneaky method of communication. I hate you, I love you, don't tell anyone, go away, kiss me already you bastard, all without actually having to say anything at all.

Tragically fans are a little less in vogue in the 21st century, and although the idea of the artfully held iPod has some charm to it, in the end I doubt it's quite so versatile (plus you probably don't want to risk dropping it just to tell someone "sorry, let's just be friends".) Instead, I propose adding comments into all relationship-related e-mail.

C'mon, think about it. In my book, trying to talk to guys I'm interested in rates as at least as difficult and incomprehensible as the worst kind of coding; it seems just as necessary to put in notes so that someone who didn't write the material in question can figure out what the point is. (If you're old-fashioned you can even opt for footnotes instead.) You can send your normal mysterious e-mail: "Hi, I've got this extra ticket to the xyz concert on Thursday night and I was wondering if you'd like to come with me?" And then you can say what you actually mean: /*I really like you, do you feel the same way?*/ or /*I only like you as a friend but you're the only person I know who can stand band xyz so please come/* or /*I'm not sure yet how I feel about you but I'm curious enough to want to find out./*

(You wouldn't even have to limit it to romantic relationships. "I'm sorry I can't make the dinner but I'm terribly unavoidably busy that night. /*I'd like to see you but if I have to make conversation with your sketchy cousin one more time I'm going to start killing things./*")

And of course nobody would be allowed to directly acknowledge the comments (just like a compiler, you're not allowed to officially notice them in any way), it'd be a major social faux pas. You could actually explain how you felt without having to admit that you were doing so, and getting offended at comments would be totally strictly against the rules -- so you could be completely direct and honest and none of this playing hard-to-get, reading body language, picking up emotional radar bullshit would have to exist at all. So there.

Comments

[shaktool.livejournal.com]

16) FANNING SLOWLY:"I am married."
17) FANNING QUICKLY:"I am engaged."

Jeez, so if you're single, you can't fan yourself at all? Or is there some medium speed? /*That's a stupid idea*/

As I've never had a girlfriend or even been on a date, everything below should be taken with a proverbial grain of salt. /*But I think I know what I'm talking about anyway, otherwise I wouldn't say it.*/

The only part of romantic relationships that really bothered me was the exclusivity. There are at least hundreds of people in the world who would be perfectly good life partners for me (and many more if I wasn't such a weirdo) so why do I have to pick one and pretend to not be interested in all the rest? Don't they deserve my attention too? /*What could possibly be wrong with showing people how much you appreciate them?*/ If this restriction didn't exist, most of the need for these sneaky signals would be gone. If you were interested in someone, you could say so without fear.

The answer, at least partially, is human jealousy. Human beings want to be loved, but that's not all. They want to be special. This sounds awful when I say it like that, but hey, it's natural, so I don't blame people for it. I may not like the system, but I accept it.

It is a tough system. I keep wanting to say to everyone, though, "You'll be given love." /*For example, I love you. I have a hunch that we aren't particularly compatible, and I'd like to keep my options open and my independence, but I love you just the same, and I'm sure a bunch of other people do to, so please don't worry about that.*/

[godream.livejournal.com]

Maybe if you're single you fan really really fast. It could be like a continuum -- the faster you're fanning, the less attached you are.

I hadn't, on reading the fan list, read into it that one big goal was sneaking around and carrying on multiple relationships /* because I'm blatantly preoccupied with my own situation, in which I only wish that were my problem */ -- I guess when I think of things people are worried about saying I think more of the fear of rejection, fear of messing up a good thing in pursuit of what might or might not be an even better thing, fear of hurting someone (and then later realizing that dodging the truth just makes things worse on both sides), whatever. But yeah, re-reading with that spin I can see where that's in the subtext and another place for spawning secrets. /* People are just too damn complicated, aaargh! */

Jealousy/exclusivity -- it doesn't sound all that awful, it's just the way people tend to work, right? That sort of innate competitiveness, the longing for first best most -- definitely very tightly tangled with passion, so it's makes perfect sense that it comes into love. Which is not to say that jealousy isn't an ugly painful thing, but like you said, it's natural.

That's a really pretty song. /* And a really, really nice thing to hear, what with my perpetual maze of dumb insecurities. Thank you. */

[cassandraia.livejournal.com]

It would be cool, but since there is little interpretation required, most people wouldn't et up the nerve to say it, even if it didn't have to be acknowledged. Because then, acknowledging or not could have a whole gamut of meanings and uncertainty which only creates angst for the initial sender. Which brings us back to the original question, how do you know? And then, sometimes you don't really *want* to know the answer, and so take refuge in ambiguity. Kind of like an acceptance email, or deciding whether or not to check for admissions letters. Sometimes it's almost unbearable to find out.

[godream.livejournal.com]

See, for myself I pretty much always *do* want to know. Even if it's irrelevant or it's going to hurt my feelings or cause awkwardness or crush hopes and dreams or whatever, I'd still rather know. It's possible that this is because I'm weird. :P

[chrisamaphone]

I like the comment idea, although I think the nicer thing about the fans is that they are visual rather than verbal. This is why I think perhaps the new "fan-language" is emoticons. :D

Different emoticons can mean different things to different people, though (and it's rarely ever what most "emoticon lexicons" on the internet will say). So maybe it's not any better. Was the fan language actually explicitly described somewhere, or did it just naturally come to mean something that people had to interpret? If the former, one could, perhaps, try to summarize the subtext of emoticons in a similar manner (rather than just the translation of what it is supposed to visually represent).

Also, hi. I'm Chris. I know that guy *points up at shaktool*.

[godream.livejournal.com]

Visual -- yeah, that's a good point.

Now there are a zillion websites out there that'll tell you about fans; I don't know if back when it actually mattered there was somewhere an explicit written vocabulary of fans. (I have this vision of a classroom of kids swishing and flicking like some strange version of Harry-Potter-with-fans while a teacher criticizes -- "no, left cheek, you're saying exactly the opposite of what you mean to! I said drop the fan, not throw it! Half open at your lips, you're asking him to kiss you not have sex with you!" -- but somehow I sorta doubt that was how it went.)

Emoticons are interesting, although I feel like there's still more ambiguity than I'd like. Nice and concise, though.