i built a wall

i built a wall
to keep out the pain and the hurt
oh i built a wall
over which i called jokes to you
i built a wall
and thought i'd be more secure
but i built a wall
that trapped in my fears
and held myself
with nowhere to release the tension
that bulges the wall i built
and threatens to burst it
again in an explosion
and then i'll sit in the wreckage and cry
till i pull myself up
dust myself off
try to put it behind me
but close it in with me
as i built another wall.

what that was all about

Had to present in a debate in philosophy class today. My presentation was kindasorta OK, but once the opposing side started firing questions I flubbed the first two and ended up deferring the last. In short, sucked. If I were grading myself I'd say I demonstrated only superficial knowledge of the topic and give myself about a D. (Though I know I tend to be harsh on myself about these things.) But the thing is, I know this stuff, I really do. I'm pretty decent on the topic -- not spectacular, but not as terrible as I showed today. Debate is just not my way of discussing it. And I mean, it's one assignment, I should figure that it's not that much and if I try harder from now on I ought to be able to make up for it -- but it's also a group assignment, and I hate hate hate knowing that other people are brought down because of me. I prefer it when everyone is rising or falling based on their own merits and noone else's. :/ Plus the class & teacher decided that the losing team has to buy the winners lunch, which I'm not liking so much because I'm broke and because I think that the assignment and the grade should be the only consequences for something like this. At a stretch I can see rewarding the winners, maybe. I don't know, it just seems to me like it isn't the place for this. Ah, well, I don't know. What I know is I'm beating myself up over how very very much I sucked, and I'd like to not be doing this, I'd like to say I screwed up and just let it go, but I know I won't... and I'm beating myself up for beating myself up about it too. Welcome to Vicious Circles "R" Us, how may I help you?