to stew or to spew?
Oct. 29th, 2002 04:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
godreamI suck at communication, which often causes me to strongly dislike the whole practice.
Before anyone points out the whole poetry/forums/online diary I tend to do, let me elucidate. I guess it isn't communication in general I feel like this about, it's face-to-face conversations where I'm emotionally wrought up. I tend to fail miserably at saying what I want to say, instead agreeing verbally as things seem to make sense (and of course coming up with brilliant counter-arguments later) or stuttering towards some mindless conclusion that wasn't what I was trying to get at either. I say "you know" a lot too, regardless of the fact that my listener cannot possibly know because I have said nothing useful or relevant. You know?
Anyways. To avoid said conversations I tend towards the afore-mentioned stewing. By the time I have figured out what I'm upset about and tried to compose a halfway coherent method of expressing it the issue at hand has usually flown out of the minds of everyone involved but me, and I don't want to bring up annoying episodes again, and I don't want to do all that messy ineffective spewing, and... thus I stew.
And what I have to learn to do is balance the stewing and spewing, I suppose, and learn to bring things up as they come, and let go totally of the small unimportant things before they even get to either phase. And... man, it's not an easy thing to do, and I'm not sure if I'll ever learn. And like everything else, it seems, this is a learn-by-practice thing, and practicing is no fun at all (and often painful) till you get the hang of it. I feel like I'm trying to learn to bungee-jump by trial and error. "Whoops! I'll make sure I tie THAT knot tighter next time, and maybe then I won't go splattering messily all over the cliffs!"
...but even I have to admit that on those extremely rare occasions when it goes halfway right, it's a nice thing to have happen. You know?
Before anyone points out the whole poetry/forums/online diary I tend to do, let me elucidate. I guess it isn't communication in general I feel like this about, it's face-to-face conversations where I'm emotionally wrought up. I tend to fail miserably at saying what I want to say, instead agreeing verbally as things seem to make sense (and of course coming up with brilliant counter-arguments later) or stuttering towards some mindless conclusion that wasn't what I was trying to get at either. I say "you know" a lot too, regardless of the fact that my listener cannot possibly know because I have said nothing useful or relevant. You know?
Anyways. To avoid said conversations I tend towards the afore-mentioned stewing. By the time I have figured out what I'm upset about and tried to compose a halfway coherent method of expressing it the issue at hand has usually flown out of the minds of everyone involved but me, and I don't want to bring up annoying episodes again, and I don't want to do all that messy ineffective spewing, and... thus I stew.
And what I have to learn to do is balance the stewing and spewing, I suppose, and learn to bring things up as they come, and let go totally of the small unimportant things before they even get to either phase. And... man, it's not an easy thing to do, and I'm not sure if I'll ever learn. And like everything else, it seems, this is a learn-by-practice thing, and practicing is no fun at all (and often painful) till you get the hang of it. I feel like I'm trying to learn to bungee-jump by trial and error. "Whoops! I'll make sure I tie THAT knot tighter next time, and maybe then I won't go splattering messily all over the cliffs!"
...but even I have to admit that on those extremely rare occasions when it goes halfway right, it's a nice thing to have happen. You know?
