godream

upset about a little thing and I just have to get it out out out of my system...:

it's my fault.
g--d--- heart of gold
f---ing idiot with the best of intentions
the thought never ever counts
when you screw it up
again
and maybe all that's left
is to let go
instead of holding on
in hopes of making it better
in hopes of somehow making up for every single stupid thing i've ever done
and I remember a lot of stupid stupid things
and i know I've forgotten more
and I want to make it better
I want to fix everything I've messed up
I want to help everyone I've hurt
I want to cancel out everything I've done wrong
I want to make it all go away
and I can't, I can't
I'm not good enough
and every time I try it just ends up worse
and I hate myself for it
and I'm an idiot for hating myself over little things
and I hate myself for it
and it's illogical and silly and wrong
and I keep doing it
and I hate myself for it.
I want to be good
and I keep trying
andit's not ever ever good enough
and won't you stop forgiving me?
if you're mad at me I don't have to be mad at myself.
f---ed up spiral thoughts about the straight line I want to draw
let me go I don't want to try anymore
let me go I don't want to love or be loved because
I don't want to try anymore
and you want to help me do it
and you think I can
so I have to.
d--- it, d--- you, d--- me.

_{what does it say about me that I feel the need to edit out my swears even in this mood?}