godream

There are many sixteen-year-olds out there who are already doing cool, constructive things with their lives.

I am not one of them.

This thought brought to you by the realization that the second-in-command of this Final Fantasy site is a little more than two months older than I am, and the closely-following revelation that of all the sites I visit many, many of them are probably run by people my age who are still way cooler than me, since they are creating popular websites and I am babbling in this diary.

Man, I hate Mondays.

So I have to decide what I'm going to do for my programming project, which I'll have what seems like a month and a half but is really four weeks to work on, because vacation is in the middle of it. And... I have to know what I'm doing and turn in a project proposal by this Friday. (Which is good, at least in comparison to needing it by Monday like I thought I did.)

The current thought is a short adventure game, NetHack-ish in style, though not nearly as cool and quirky and neat and extensive as that is because, well, I'm one person in an intermediate java class with four weeks to write it, while simulataneously working on all the other classwork we'll doubtless have. But I figure, you know, go down a few levels, fight the boss, get the treasure, get out alive: I might be able to handle that. We'll see.

And if you've never played NetHack -- shoo! Click that link above and go download it now! Best game ever, forefather of the entire RPG genre, and it fits on a single floppy. :D

This one's from this site. Sarcastic and/or surprised comments of mine in bold.

The name of Alison gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Creepily accurate. Eek -- stop reading my mind! Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. Kind of. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. YES! You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. Yup... You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature. Because your feelings run deep, you must guard against the ups and downs, being very inspired one minute, then moody, reserved, and depressed the next. Yeah, I suppose... Your reactions to people vary according to how you feel. Yup. You tend to be secretive and noncommittal about private matters, yet at times you will talk effusively in order to hide your self-consciousness or to lead others away from personal subjects. Somewhat. There're some "private matters" and "personal subjects" that I won't touch, I suppose, but seeing as I've got this whole diary thing going on... You are inspired by encouragement from others, yet suspicious of their intent. Too true. You crave affection but seldom find anyone who understands your nature. Yeah... Physical weaknesses would show in your heart, lungs, or bronchial organs. None of this really... of course, IMHO I'm just one big walking physical weakness...

Yeah, I ran up against the 6500 character limit. I didn't even know there WAS a limit. What's with that?

Favourite Quote from a Movie: "Life is pain, Princess. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something." -- Princess Bride
Favourite Quote from a Song: At the instant, the following part of Utada Hikaru's Simple and Clean speaks to me, though not really in the original (romantic) context: "You're giving me too many things/Lately you're all I need/(...)/wish I could prove I love you/but does that mean I have to walk on water?/When we are older you'll understand/it's enough when I say so/and maybe some things are that simple..."
Favourite Word/Phrase to Say: "..."
Favourite Person to Laugh at: Rikku? In a nice way, I mean. She was doing her guinea pig impression in the car this morning for fifteen minutes straight.
Favourite Person to Hate: I'm bad at hating people. Makes me feel all guilty and stuff. The person I hate most is Seifer, but I can't separate hate and annoyance and affection and stick all the emotions into neat little boxes so I feel OK and confident saying 'I hate _______"... so yeah, I don't have a definite answer for this.
Favourite Friend: I don't know. A few years ago it would have been Rinoa, but we've grown apart a lot. It's not that I don't still love her as a sister and a friend, just that we're not as close as we used to be. Now? Karen, Catherine, Jessica -- no idea. *note to self: nickname these people sometime*
Favourite Outfit: Blue jeans, black shirt, black shoes (see below), occasionally silver necklace. This is really with minor variations almost my only outfit.
Favourite Shoes: the ones I'm wearing now. Black, clunky, slip-on, more or less identical to the ones I had before these, and the ones before those, that I wore till they fell apart.
Favourite Body Part on Yourself: jeez, I don't know. Brain?
Favourite Body Part on the Opposite Sex: Eyes, most likely.
Favourite Thing about You: intelligence.
Favourite Day of the Week: I kinda like Wednesday. And Saturday. And Friday.
Favourite Holiday: Christmas (who can argue with a week or more off school?)
Favourite Time of the Day: afternoon, after school is out but before it gets dark.
Favourite Time to Shower: to shower, well, early mornings when I need to wake up, but for loooooong warm baths I favor late morning, just before lunch, or evening.
Favourite Feeling: I'll interpret this as through the senses, because evidently it's different from the next question. There's this soft knit afghan we have that's all sorts of comfy to cuddle up in and nap - I love the texture on my feet and hands and the warmth all over my body.
Favourite Emotion: happiness? like that rare moment of total obscuring-all-else joy, where you don't have to think about the complications.
Favourite Thing to do when You're Bored: read scifi, fantasy, and fanfic, write bad poetry and fanfiction, watch Buffy, play piano, listen to loud music, sleep.
Favourite Thing to do when You're Mad: screaming is nice, as long as I can do it somewhere where there're no consequences. Loud music again. Reading to get away from it all. Writing.
Favourite Thing to do when You're Hyper: scare people. >:) Loud music, solution to everything. Throw snowballs or pillows. Bounce up and down on this big translucent excercise ball we have down in the basement. Sing.
Favourite Animal: cats, probably.
Favourite Type of Accent: don't really have one.
Favourite Store: this used bookstore in my town -- it has two fluffy, affectionate cats and a massive scifi/fantasy section, what more could a girl want?
Favourite Place to Hang Out: in my room, alone. Yes, I'm antisocial, yes, this might defeat the purpose, any other questions?
Favourite Talk Show: don't watch them. sorry.
Favourite Sandwich: cheese. or roast beef. or both together.
Favourite Type/Brand of Cigarettes: see alcohol, with the added comment that IMHO this is a habit I'd hate to have, seeing as it makes everyone around you miserable too.
Favourite Type of Drugs: see alcohol. yeah, I'm a prude. no, I don't care. I've enough bad habits without adding this stuff into the mix.
Favourite Thing to Dream About: I rarely remember dreams, but in the interest of having a good time during the dream we'll say whoever the current crush is (real, famous, or fictional).
Favourite Thing in the Whole World: snow. (Not the cold weather that causes it, not the icky brown slush that comes after, but the snow itself and the white-blanketed landscape... :D )

In case the neon flashing "BLONDE" signs haven't clued y'all in yet, I might want to mention that I'm not known for thinking things through, which results in masses of serendipity and larger masses of "um.... ooops?" moments in my life. Anyways.

I've linked my diary on my AIM profile, and lo and behold: when boredom strikes, people actually evidently look at my profile and even click the links. Like people I actually know.

...This is where I wave and go "Hi, Rinoa!"

It's kind of strange. (I mean, even setting aside the bit where we both used to read the other's diary and then be insulted when we found the bits dissing ourselves. :P) Though I love the net and think it's by far one of the most tolerable methods of social interaction there is (yeah, I'm an antisocial geek, but y'all knew that already)... and though I know that people online do not exist solely within my computer for my amusement... net interactions by nature are a bit more ephemeral than face-to-face. You know? Though talking on the net is interesting and informative and often just as valuable as in-person conversation, talking to someone who's standing right in front of me tends to seem somehow realer than talking to someone on the net. This is probably a big part of the reason I'm a lot more confident and talkative on the net than IRL -- if you think I'm paranoid and depressing here you should see me in the big blue room. Probably also a reason why doubtless many of those flamers or trolls (or "WTF?" reviewers) might be far kinder and saner in person than their net presence is: it's harder to realize that that person who's typing the words on your screen is actually alive somewhere with a family and friends and a life of their own, another person... I realize it intellectually but somewhere deep inside I don't think it's quite sunk in yet.

Anyways, the point is that it's an interesting twist to my perspective to realize RL people (or a person, at least) are reading this, rather than only ephemeral net presences. (No insult intended to Wolfie, Amoretti, or anyone else out there reading this, of course.) Might help it sink in that last little subconscious bit that all you ENPs *are* people. And I'm rather glad, in scanning my entries, that I really haven't said anything too majorly offensive. (Though I'm not sure I want, say, Rikku to learn about, say, some of my choices of net reading material.) I don't think I've even said much that I wouldn't say in person if I had the courage to do so.

And Rinoa, I am by no means saying get your nose out of my diary. Not that I think you'd listen if I did or anything. :) Hey, next time you're bored, leave notes! :P

...Hey, look, six entries in two days. Think that makes up for neglecting this thing all last weekend?

Stolen from someone, but I forgot who. Sorry. :)

My Father thinks I am: not enough like he was as a child = not good enough. *sigh* Seeing as I'm already a whole year older than he was when he started attending MIT, yeah.

Mother thinks I am: nearly perfect, except for my messy room. No, that's not true, but -- mature, intelligent, responsible, all that good stuff.

My sisters think I am: in general, not cool enough. Rinoa, Lulu, Selph and Rikku are all entirely occupied with their own social circles. Rikku follows me around when Lulu's not available, but other than that I get the impression I'm the one they try not to let their cool friends know about. Which is ok, sort of.

My grandmas think I am: I'm not sure I'm close enough to either to know for sure, though my paternal grandmother appears to think that as a teenager I'm irresponsible & will do drugs, drink and drive and other Bad Things if she does not warn me off them with cut-out newspaper articles.

My best friend thinks I am: I don't think I can identify one person as my best friend, so I guess I can't answer this one.

+your three best qualities: Intelligent. (Mostly in the Dungeons and Dragons sense of the word: book intelligence, as opposed to wisdom. See next question.) Relatively independent (I'd like to think I'm not a sheep). Willing to help others. Or something; I don't know.

+three worst qualities: second-guessing paranoid low self-esteem (yes, that's all one darn it), overactive guilt, occasional fits of insanely logical apathy. Oh yeah, and total lack of practical sense -- again in D&D terms, wisdom.

+three things you are often complimented for: hair (*sigh*, it's just dead cells), intelligence... and I'm drawing a blank for the third. Maybe listening.

+a compliment you got that made you blush: I blush when I'm complimented a lot. It may have something to do with the overactive guilt thing. Nevertheless I find myself unable to pick one.

+you get embarrassed when: I make stupid mistakes that I shouldn't, I'm uncoordinated, I screw up socially, the list goes on. I occasionally get embarrassed because I got embarrassed about something I shouldn't have gotten embarrassed about. :P

+makes you happy: Video games! Yay! Internet, fast computers, well-written fanfiction (FFVIII especially)...

+upsets you: Seifer, no matter how hard I try not to let him get to me.


Yes or NO....

+you keep a diary: not paper, but this one. :)

+you like to cook: yeah, but I don't like cleaning up afterwards... and there's often a lot to clean...

+you have a secret you have not shared with anyone: oh, probably.

+you fold your underwear: nope. Lucky if I fold my shirts before shoving them in the drawer.

+you talk in your sleep: yeah, though more in those strange minutes between sleep and waking.

+you set your watch a few minutes ahead: always. Though it tends to creep even further forwards so it's about 8 minutes off by now.

+you bite your fingernails: all the time, unfortunately. And my cuticles and the skin around my fingernails. Terrible habit, wish I could quit, can't manage to.

+you believe in love: Maybe. Not in my case yet.


last...

x. movie you rented: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

x. movie you bought: Grease Special Edition for Rinoa's birthday.

x. song you listened to: Eve 6's - Showerhead

x. song that was stuck in your head: well, Showerhead is now...

x. CD you bought: Eve 6 - Eve 6 (is this getting repetitive much?)

x. CD you listened to: just guess.

x. person you've called: ummmm... my dad, to tell him to pick me up at work this evening.

x. person that's called you: the library, to tell me I got a job. Yay! :)

x. TV show you've watched: Malcolm in the Middle

x. person you were thinking of: my dad, while answering that previous question...


do...


x. you wish you could live somewhere else: yeah... sometimes... like when it's cold and dreary outside. *glares out window*

x. others find you attractive: I doubt it.

x. you want more piercings: I'd like to get my ears repierced -- one hole ripped so I let the other grow in, but one day I'd like to get it fixed.

x. you like cleaning: NO.

x. you like roller coasters: only if they don't go upside down.

x. ever cried over a boy/girl: does my dad count?

x. ever lied to someone: I try not to, but I have, more often than I care to admit. Haven't we all?

x. ever been in a fist fight: only with my brother. And I kicked his @$$. :)

x. ever been arrested: nope.


What...


x. shampoo do you use: Whatever's around. Last I think was L'oreal Kids Cherry Almond Extra Conditioning.

x. perfume do you use: I don't.

x. shoes do you wear: black with big heels. The tag says these are "Bubblegum" brand, but I really couldn't care less.

x. are you scared of: the dark, a little.


Number...


x. of times I have been in love?: Real love? Never, I think. What I thought was love, but was really just a major crush? Three.

x. of times I have had my heart broken?: Romantically? Never, really. Just gradually got over the guy in question. Sucks for angsty poetry inspiration, I can tell you.

x. of hearts I have broken?: None, so far as I know.

x. of guys I have kissed?: 0

x. of people I've slept with?: 0

x. of people I consider my enemies?: maybe 1.

x. of CDs' that I own?: *considers* Probably between 40 and 60.

I know it's not just my imagination 'cause I was in here during my free block earlier today for an hour or two, and next class one of my friends asked me if I smoked, because evidently that's what I smelled like. Ew.

I'm sorry, I'm sure there are zillions of wonderful people out there who smoke -- my grandmother is one of them -- but it's just icky that the computer room in a school, for goodness sake, should smell like that. Come on, people...

Went and watched a few Buffy episodes I can only conclude are recent, seeing as the gang's suddenly 20 years old and in college (or something). So much for watching it in order -- it's just so addictive of a show that I guess I need my fix in whatever season's available. Hoping to get the parents to let me rent the movie this weekend -- but y'all will doubtless hear about it if I manage to do so. :)

I'll confine today's Buffy ramble to this:

1.) The cast is all different and stuff. What happened? No, wait, don't tell me, I want to be surprised when I finally manage to watch the episodes between the first two seasons and the now-ish stuff. :)

2.) In spite of Lulu's disdain, Spike is not bad-looking in addition to being very, very funny. Especially with no Oz or Angel in sight to overshadow -- not a particularly good thing, that last, just an observation.

3.) Even with these episodes set several years later, Drusilla still creeps me out. *shudders* She's Rikku's favorite vamp too -- ick. Make her go away......

Yeah, this is going to be one of those "deep" entries again. Feel free to just skip back and read me raving about Oz, since that's far less dry and probably slightly more interesting than what I'm about to ramble on about.

It's the second class this year where we've had this talk: first philosophy, now my literature class. It's definitely interesting, and definitely loaded. For those who didn't read the entry's title, the question is this:

Are there absolute moral truths, rules that apply to everyone regardless of culture or upbringing?

I think in the end I have to say yes. The example that was brought up in philosophy was rape, which I can't see as right no matter what the circumstances. During the class when we discussed it today, the teacher brought in the United Nation's whatchamacallit of Human Rights, which I hadn't seen before but which I think I hesitatingly agree with. In philosophy we dealt with more is it Right or Wrong, but today we added on the idea of should someone enforce this regardless of whatever traditions might be mowed down?

And I feel kinda bad saying this, but yes. If people are doing things that are emphatically Wrong, if you're murdering or raping or torturing... I think in the end I have to say it doesn't matter if you're doing it in the name of tradition or of your deity or whatever, it's not right. It can't be right. There is no excuse, and anyone who can stop it should.

But what about culture? What about individuality? We just read the play The Lion and the Jewel, which is part of why we were all seeking these questions. Won't we all just be the same if we squish tradition in favor of what is Right? Some people argued this point rather vehemently, and I can see where it's coming from. As an American, just another ingredient in the melting pot, I guess I can't exactly sympathise that much. But for me it comes back to that I believe some things are Wrong, and if tradition is the price to stop them then it must be sacrificed. Remember history, celebrate it or mourn it as you will -- but if it's cruel, don't live it.

But then, someone asked, if the government is sponsoring such activities, and whoever goes in and kicks them out -- you end up with a power vacuum, and maybe chaos. Or, I suppose, with a government set up by the UN or whoever expulsed the old one. And then we run into the clone thing again. Is a whitewashed set of identical governments ruling identical societies of people who are all good in this ordained Right way better than a society where some may be Wrong, extremely Wrong, but at least they are unique? ... and, guilt washing over me, I say yes. Maybe not every violation of what some consider basic human rights is worth that, but there are in my mind certainly some big ones that are worth even that.

And that's my ultimatum on this, I think. I'm noone to judge, but hey, this is my rant space and I'll say whatever I want. It helps me work out what I want to say somewhat anyways, in the wake of these stupid classes that make me think. :P

As stolen from the effervescent Amoretti. :)

the Sleepytime Survey

1. What size is your bed?: Um. Small? Twin, I think.

2. What do you wear to bed?: Large soft t-shirts, and the occasional nightgown.

3. How many people regularly sleep in your bed?: just me. Unless of course you count the books and stuffed animals.

4. Do you sleep with stuff animals?: Yup. Always a stuffed orca whale at my dad's house and Littlefoot, a dinosaur who I've had since I was maybe four, at my mom's.

5. If you could wake up next to any famous person who would it be?: Can they be fictional famous people? Actually, what I'm really asking is can I count video game characters? If so, I'm thinking it'd be the current obsession, Squall Leonhart of FFVIII.

6. What would have happened the night before?: *g* Things I lack the creativity, experience and vocabulary to come up with and explicate? ... Nah, more like limited to heavy cuddling. See #8.

7. How many people comfortably sleep in your bed?: One is a stretch, considering all the junk that seems to accumulate on my bed. I generally have about half a dozen paperbacks under the pillow alone.

8. Who is the next person you would like to have in your bed with you?: You know... seriously I don't think I want anyone in my bed with me for a good long while. I know, I know, I'm naive, I'm immature, but I think sixteen is waaaaaaay too young for sex. This is not to say I don't have crushes or fantasies or whatever, I just don't count myself ready to do things that have that kind of possibility of severe repercussions, I don't want to make any decisions now that I'll kick myself for in five, ten years.

9. What position do you go to sleep in?: Flat out on my stomach, unless it's really really cold in which case I occasionally curl up on my side.

10. What position do you wake up in?: About the same as I went to sleep, I think, though I'm very very rarely fully awake fast enough to notice.

11. Have you ever woken up in a really weird position?: When I was little (and fortunately before I started sleeping on the top bunk) I used to fall asleep on the bed and wake up in the morning on the floor. I don't think that's all that weird though...

12. How many blankets/covers do you have on your bed?: Many. Let's see, one has sheets, knit blanket, electric blanket, and another blanket; the other has two quilts and a comforter. I get cold at night, okay?

13. Do you hog the blankets?: Yes. And quite proud of it.

14. Have you ever found your pillows on the other side of the room?: Yes. It was my little brother's fault.

15. When was the last time you fell out of bed?: When I was pretty little -- under eight, I think. I've been sleeping on top bunks since, so falling out would hurt a bit.

16. Do you have any strange bed habits such as sleep talking etc?: I might talk in my sleep. I *know* I talk when I'm just barely awake enough to get mouth and vocal chords going in vague synchronization but still with no idea what I'm saying. I'm told I often have my eyes open and act kind of awake when this happens, but I never remember it at all.

17. Do you snore?: nope.

18. How about drooling?: rarely. My cat does though; he thinks he's a dog.